It’s been years.
Sometimes I worry the person I used to be
is still inside me,
and could come back
if again I was worn out and addicted.
Ciagaretts and loniless
Stuffy air and pushy strangers
The city wasn’t good for me
Amongst other things
I had a horrible temper and a permanent frown.
Stressed out, I manically cleaned.
I distracted myself incessantly
I was sick and tired to my core
And I worried all the time.
Even so, I wanted a baby.
I still want a baby.
I want a child
Everything in me is tugging in anguish
It’s something I need to do.
It’s never been a decision
It’s irrational to its core
It’s like asking for a miracle.
I know it will be hard
I worry the child will turn me bitter
Motherhood could wither me
If I was too giving, patient, forgiving, like before
I worry about the person I could become,
Or turn back into.
Driven by frustration
Fuelled by resentment
I used to scream and shove
I can feel the imprint of those flames
I worry about that anger.
But I’m different now.
The change was fairly fast
It happened after I moved to the county
I am not the person I was.
But I will always be me to the core.
This is where I am meant to be
I am my self
I’ve learned to be at peace.
The waves inside are calm
Feasting on fields, breathing the air
I have been happier now than ever
And Im not worried about anything
Now I get shudders of joy, tearful happiness from small things
And it will happen, one day
I will be a mother